been a long time

note: to really understand where my head is at, you need to have "Maybe God Is Tryin' To Tell You Somethin'" from the Color Purple Soundtrack, 'cause that is seriously running through my head right now

To break this down, I'm gonna have to give you two recaps: a short-term (last 3 weeks) and long-term (time since I last blogged). Read what you will, get what you want out of it. I'm too bruised & tired to give a flying f%^*.

s-t recap:: I was diagnosed with Fibroids on 3/10/03, scheduled to have surgery 4/1/03 and be off from work for about a week. 24 hours later, I came down with a serious throat infection. By Wednesday 4/12/03, I had a temperature of 102° and couldn't eat. By Thursday 3/13/03 I was unable to swallow my own saliva because my throat had closed. Went to the Dr, who prescribed antibiotics, and proceeded to tell me to take off the next 5-7 days to get some rest WTF?! No way I could do that, I was already in the shythouse at work (see L-T recap::work below). So even though I had my dr's note, me being Superwoman, I still planned on going in on Monday. Woke up today, felt like some fresh air, went to take the garbage out, hit the stairs - and literally hit the stairs. Knees first, then arms, elbows & face. Felt like a roundhouse kick, knees went out from underneath me. I'm ok, a little bruised. A little battered. More than a little frail. More than a little bit alone. I need help.

l-t recap::so many topics, so little time
work:: so, the fake promo see prev blog for details still sucked, no xtra $$, just xtra work, and no one's feeling me. went to company boot camp for 3 weeks, very cool, but maybe my upper level mgrs. aren't feeling me either. It seems my school schedule is too intense for them, for they've cautioned me 2X to "watch the number of classes I'm carrying to make sure it doesn't interfere with my workload..." nice, as if it ever has before. Hell, I busted my a$$ through weekends, holidays, vacations...WTF?! Then on top of everything, they take more resources away, workload doesn't decrease, give me more responsibilities. Then I find out about the surgery. Their response? "How will this affect your deliverables?" WTF???!!!!....well, I wouldn't want my LIFE to interfere with getting my f&*%ing deliverables in on time, would I??????

school:: same ole, same ole...burning the candle at both ends, and in the middle - trying to manage classes, work and home without sacrificing any of the above. blah..blah...blah...I'm tired of even whining about this.

home:: love the kids, love my new crib. Chaos, doing ok - but still struggling with the transition from high-school to college & real-life. Bottom-line: she needs to be less self-involved, grow-up, get a gig and move out. Here's why: her biggest issues seem to be grades and dealing with her rigorous schedule. WTF? Your classes start at 9-ish, and end at 1-ish, you have the rest of the day to f^&* around, and do whatever, and you're still struggling & dropping classes? Ok, yes she watches her brother from 6:30 ish until I get home. STILL. I wish we could trade places sometimes, so she could get an idea of what THE REST OF ADULTHOOD REALLY IS. 'Nuff Said.

baby-daddy:: we got into a ghetto, in the street, name-calling argument. Why? 'Cause I restricted his access to my PC. Let me frame this for you. Baby-daddy lives with sis, her 4 kids, their mom, a cousin, her daughter, etc...you get the idea. He watches our son at my house. Over time, his demands for things to have onhand while watching our son become increasingly unreasonable: videos, food, games, alcohol, weed, porn..etc. Ok, so I find him downloading porn on my PC & ask him to stop, he agrees. So my daughter, the Chaos finds pornsites on the PC again (she's an über-geek, what can I say..) I change the password to prevent his access, he pitches a fit, says I'm impeding his FREEDOM, I'm like what freedom - it's my PC, I call him an a$$hole, he calls me a bitch, I call his mama a bitch - you get the idea. So. I called him Tuesday to tell him about the fibroids - he tells me he's playing spades, and that he'll call me back. I'm still waiting. What an a$$hole.

love:: what does this have to do with anything? da hell if I know. However, JC and I have been working toward something. He's working toward cohabitation, I'm working toward marriage. Will the twain ever meet? Hard to tell since we haven't spent more than 30 minutes together in the last 4 months. I can't front on him completely - when my car died he helped me get it fixed. But to be completely honest, his $$$ are f^&%ed up, and I can't bail him out of that. I dunno what's gonna happen...but at the rate we're going - it'll be an minor implosion (not a big bang - have to be near each other for that to happen). He hasn't called me since I told him about the surgery - do I need more of a sign?

the bottom line:: G'd is trying to tell me something, right? slow down, hunh? stop? you're giving too much of yourself away, without keeping a little for yourself?

I dunno, but I'm damn tired, sore, bruised and dizzy.